Dad Joke Saturday 3

Household Principles for Children from the Old Testament

Household Principles for Children from the Old Testament

* Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier

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Laws of Forbidden Places

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.

Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

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Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon

the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you

have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are

an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink your milk as it is

given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife,

nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip

your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the

table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it

to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck:

for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have

swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister

what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or

your sister has done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither

seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the

table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it,

but leave it as it is. And though your stick of carrot does

indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even

in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the

pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them

upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the

other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me;

for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And

now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert

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For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that

is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall

have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If

you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with

each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in

total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten

enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten

where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a

lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you

shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the

potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a

small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around

with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not,

you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have

no dessert.

On Screaming

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Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you

are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch

each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to

the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of

your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate

gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece

of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal

seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I

say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you,

and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within

your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to

your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be;

behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands

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Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to

the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains

are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice

thereon. And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the

tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a

manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I

say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof,

and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do

is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

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Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of

your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub

your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub

yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should

so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as

I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you

will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.