Review: Maxwell Cain: Burrito Avenger

Remember 80s action movies? You know, they were fun, a little mindless, sometimes goofy and would on occasion break the laws of physics? Or would have magical ninjas? Maybe something like Commando or The Running Man, Firewalker, or American Ninja Warrior part 19.

Now imagine if the writers were on a combination of drugs that not even the 80s would have touched, an unlimited budget, and stuntmen who don't fear anything.

You now have a slight idea of what you're in for with [easyazon_link identifier="1797867679" locale="US" tag="upstreamreviews-20"]Maxwell Cain: Burrito Avenger[/easyazon_link].

The way this was described on Twitter? By the author himself?

John Wick, only with a burrito instead of a puppy.

The story

This one isn't ... quite as insane as it first appears. Honest.

Kind of. Sorta.

It's complicated.

To begin with, unlike the deep, complicated events and emotions behind John Wick's "Puppy = killing spree," the burrito in this instance is less the puppy, and more the last straw. In a city that is as corrupt as Chicago, only with an extra layer of scum at the top, Pan Pajita's police force is so overwhelmed that the police "can't respond to every little shooting." But no one at the top minds, because the criminals pay "fines" (usually a portion of the take from the crimes) that goes into the private coffers of public officials.

Okay, fine. It could also be Dirty Harry's superiors in LA.

This one opens with one of the best opening lines since Jim Butcher's "The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault."

Adam's is "Maxwell Cain had killed dozens of men. In fact, that was kind of the problem."

It even has a little setup tag that sounds like an 80's film trailer. You can just hear the narrator read "In a world where one man..." etc.

But after a day where Maxwell Cain (I'm sure that it's a coincidence that Max Caine sounds like Matt Payne, honest .... especially the parts that go into bullet time) kills six bank robbers, then is fired for it, all before lunch, he's pissed off and hangry (No, I didn't misspell it).

When some random gangbangers hipcheck Caine into spilling his burrito, he whips out the cheesy one liner ("maybe I'll be a teacher." ) and goes to beat up some thugs. (The next chapter is called "Lesson Plan", and the joke concludes with the line "Class dismissed.")

When the thugs need to be put down, it turns out that they were off to pay a mafia bag man -- who still wants his payoff.

That confrontation spirals into a war with an entire mafia family, who assume he's a hit man out to destroy them.

With a few breaks to pause for something strange, like character moments, this is basically a 250 page running shootout. The scene that best exemplifies this is where a gunship blasts a monorail train off the track, causing the car to land on top of a hotel roof, which eventually crashes through every floor to land into an electrified swimming pool, into which Max Caine Sparta-kicks a thug while declaring "THIS! IS! SAN PANJITA!"

Did I mention that there's a bit of hat tipping in this book? I admire Adam's restraint-- at no point does Max end up losing his shoes while walking through broken glass. Thought he may have lost track. There's every setpiece shootout ever seen on film -- shooting up a mall, a hotel, a public art exhibit (the Pieta re-imagined with lizard people -- kill it with fire!), a run and gun car chase, a mobster's home, a train, "the docks," the standard warehouse, and a few other places thrown in. And Caine double-wields every chance he gets. We have Jackie Chan's baseball wielding thugs in suit and tie. He has John McClane's habit at yelling at gunmen (An RPG tears up the street, he yells, "Do you have any idea how much it costs to fix a pothole that big?"). At least one man killed during a poker game had aces and eights (subtle).

Did I mention that the mafia enforcer dresses in white and carries a golden Desert Eagle -- meaning that he's the man with the golden gun?

And like with John Wick, for Max Caine, cars are his only weakness... and I mean getting hit with them. That, and the running gag that every time he sees a burrito and reaches for it, he summons more gunmen.

Then there's the new stuff -- like "gunfight selfies" (I can see that being a thing) a running gag of shopping while they work, and this is the first Catholic action hero I've seen since my last Saint Tommy novel. There's comparing someone's home to a serial killer den. And the prescient line of dialog that says, "The city council declared it was unfair for cops to get protective gear when civilians don't, said we needed to even the odds."

Most of the combat is very well done and highly detailed. All the action is tightly paced. Though after a while, even Adam stops detailing the path of every bullet and discusses how everyone is just firing on automatic and spraying faceless gunmen with bullets. To be perfectly fair, Adam does try to describe every minion who lasts more than a few lines, though that's a lot of bald or bearded men after a while, and I wondered when there would be other descriptors used. Though that's probably just "one writer nitpicking another."

And the one liners. Oy, the one liners. To fit in more one liners, Max Caine talks to himself. A lot.

Some examples?

After his lunch is ruined and one of the killers is run over: "Lunch hour traffic will really kill you."

"I'm the best cop in the department." "You're the most violent cop in the department." "That's what I said."

"I don't want water. I'm thirsty for blood."

While surrounded by gunmen:

"Well, yippe ki yay."

This feels like a Dirty Harry movie starring Ahhnuld, meets Falling Down, but with John Wick-level stunts.

Anyway, I fully recommend it in all of its utterly insane glory.

The characters

The characters and characterizations are what Terry Pratchett would do with cliches. Our hero grew up in this nightmare town, but he learned to shoot from his mother, who was tougher than he was. Our heroine is a baker, whose father was a cop, so she also shoots. Because everyone in this town has a gun.

The world

The world-building here is impressive, because you don't really notice how thoroughly they've built up the world until a quarter to a half way through the book. It's not very SciFi, but there are some touches along the way.

We won't even go into the commercials.

The politics

This is pro-street cop, anti-bureaucrat. It's also pro-killing in self-defense, pro-gun, pro-God and country, and pro-hot babes.

... I'd say it leans a little to the right

Content warning

The sexualization of burritos. I'm not kidding, It's part of an advertisement, and it's played for laughs, but still...

Oh, yes, and hundreds of people are gunned down. If you can't watch Commando for the violence and body count, you may have a problem with this book.

And if you don't understand how John Wick can kill dozens of people over a puppy, then you definitely shouldn't bother reading this one.

Who is it for?

If you read Larry Correia or watch action films, and enjoy over the top action, then this book is for you.

Why read it?

You read this one just to appreciate how utterly, wonderfully insane it can get, with some fun action bits and as many laughs.